The Day I Found My Heart (Rock)

When I took these pictures, I thought it might be the final outdoor fire ever in the backyard of the home I've shared with my family for the past six years.  In April 2010, on the last official burn day of the season, I privately said goodbye while savoring my time here.  A fat, utterly handsome bullfrog came out of his wet cave and watched me and kept me company as I worked to burn winter's fallen debris.

I love this backyard.  I love the trees and wild growing things like the jack-in-the-pulpits, trillium, cross vine, mountain laurel, and wood violets.  I love the creek and the boulders and all the creatures that make the woods come alive with movement and sound.  It's a magical place and I will miss it dearly.  But I've been granted a reprieve.  I can stay here until June 1, 2013.  That's just after my youngest daughter graduates from high school.  I won't miss the house so much, but I will miss this sylvan paradise.

On that spring day last April, I climbed down the bank into the creek bed looking for inspiration.  I was hoping to find some little token that would offer me comfort or a bit of insight.  Walking across a sand bar, I looked down and the first thing I saw was a heart-shaped rock.  It was almost perfect.  I picked it up and have carried it with me ever since.  It accompanied me on all my medical visits.  It went through a biopsy, an MRI, two CT scans, and six weeks of radiation therapy.  Had I a place to hide it, my heart rock would have gone into surgery with me as well. 

With my court date and cancer treatments behind me, I guess I've learned that no matter what happens I still have my heart.  Mostly intact, it's only slightly damaged, just like my almost perfect heart-shaped rock.  I can live with that.  Perhaps one day my beating heart might even be whole again.

I'd Like To Take a Trip

To
Paradise

To recover. To rejuvenate. To contemplate. To heal. I just want to sit on the beach and feel the sun and sand and surf and sea breeze. I want to forget about cancer. And divorce, which still looms on the horizon.

So here's my update: I had surgery on July 13th. A lumpectomy. The good news is that my lymph nodes are clear. The best news is that I had wonderful people to take care of me. I am grateful for all the love and support from my sisters, my niece, my daughters, my Dad, my brother-in-law, friends, and neighbors. You all are the best! I even felt the love and support from family and friends far away but with me in spirit.

The bad news is the hideous wound I'm left with. That's tough to handle. But I guess getting rid of cancer is an ugly battle. Not something that can be fixed with a band-aid or little pink ribbons. If only.

Fighting For My Girls

Little Angels

Admiring Big Sister

(I just love that little bald head)

If you know me personally, you've probably heard that I've been diagnosed with breast cancer. In addition to the "D" word, I'm also facing the big ugly "C" word, too. Yippee.

Both my sister and my niece told me to "fight like a girl". I hadn't heard that expression, so what I pictured was two uncoordinated girls slapping at each other and pulling hair and crying and yelling MOM! Like we did when we were kids. I didn't get it. Someone had to explain it to me.

I love my girls {the ones pictured above} and I have to do everything I can so that I'll be here for them for as long as I possibly can be. Plus, I haven't really lived yet. There is so much I have to do, so many dreams to fulfill. There are too many people who want me to stick around awhile. And I've always looked forward to being a grandmother. I'm gonna be a GREAT grandmother some day.

I hope.